I often hear the phrase “but they came from a good family” when people are referencing someone who is struggling with a substance (alcohol, cocaine, whatever it may be) or even mental health issues… almost like it doesn’t make sense that they ended up where they are at.

What if we met addiction (or mental health challenges) with compassion and kindness instead of judgement, stigma, stereotype and shame? Heck - even curiosity - “I wonder what that person felt or experienced (or is currently feeling or experiencing) for them to be in this space.”
Believe me… the person who is struggling is already drowning in shame, they most certainly don’t need more.

Oh my lanta, this has taken me… some time to write. This is pretty normal for me though. I get an idea, get distracted, take a stab at it, forget about it, start writing something else, circle back to it, and here we are. *I will say I finished this at least a month ago, but an unexpected loss happened, the holidays, and by golly I almost forgot about it entirely.

I’ve got 19 pages of research and documents that I pulled together to do this and I like using my own writing, I feel connected to it - but I understand the pull to AI as a content writer because it takes far less time… however for me, it’s just not in alignment. Definitely a helpful research and information tool, but I want the writing to come through me.

After finishing it up I came back around to add mental health into certain paragraphs because this blog and the examples I’m going to reference and use - it is not only for substance abuse issues but mental health issues and beyond. So many of these contribute to anxiety as well and after reading Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate - they also contribute to ADHD too. 

I think the reason “but they came from a good family” has always rubbed me wrong is because that is a thought that created so much shame for me, so it is based on my own previous experience and bias. Anddddddd because on what planet can we actually know beyond what we see or are told? You may see someone with a rugged look, not very social, etc, and therefore conclude it makes sense they find themselves struggling. On the other hand you see someone with nice clothes, active in the community, big social support, and can’t understand how they would find themselves struggling? Two people can be dealt different hands but find themselves struggling nonetheless. And for the person with the nice clothes etc, what is life like beyond closed doors? How much do you actually know? Do you know how many lives look different on social media from real life? Or how many people you talk to that are silently struggling or hurting because they are afraid to open up or have fear of judgement etc? Also what if the person with the more rugged exterior has just never bought into socially conforming and your perspective and assumption is completely inaccurate?

Something I’ve noticed as I’ve worked with people around changing their relationship with alcohol or cocaine (or both) - is that trauma (limiting beliefs, self doubt, wounds etc) isn’t always the reason someone starts the habit - but it is often the reason someone has a hard time putting it down. The substance has shown up as safety in some capacity, and the brain has a hard time letting that go.

The world trauma gets thrown around a lot and unfortunately has become a bit weaponized - but I’m not here to talk about that (this is already longer than I intended - standard for me). I think something many people may not understand is that trauma comes in many forms. Beyond that, two people can experience the same thing and have completely different responses - because we are all completely different people. We may go through the same thing - but we attach different meanings, which creates different belief systems. One is not right or wrong, better or worse, it’s all human and sometimes we overlook that. 

To quote the incredibly brilliant Gabor Mate - "Trauma is not what happens to you; it's what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you"—it's the internal wound (emotional scarring, disconnection) not just the event, highlighting that healing comes from addressing the inner impact, not erasing the past, and recognizing that even small childhood deprivations (small-T traumas) shape us, making us rigid or defensive as survival mechanisms that can later be healed. 

When you think of trauma, maybe these come to mind: sexual assault, domestic violence, severe medical trauma, war/combat/terrorism, natural disasters, witnessing violence, physical or emotional neglect. 

Trauma includes MANY other things (and please hear me when I say this, I am sure I’m going to miss lots, I acknowledge that)... there are early adverse childhood experiences that shape beliefs, wounds and trauma. As mentioned above, someone else can go through a very similar experience, however the meaning we attach to our experiences will look vastly different because we are vastly different humans. For example, I’m a highly sensitive person, so I feel things big, heavy and deep. While this is a beautiful thing, it can also be incredibly challenging. The way that I perceive or feel about something might look wildly different from the person next to me, neither is right or wrong. We are who we are. It is the complexity of being human. So when someone says “well Tina’s mom was an alcoholic too, and she turned out great” or “Tim saw his parents in an abusive marriage and he became a successful lawyer” - it can make a person feel even more shame about their response if it looks different, as if they are to blame for the way that they internalized what happened. More unnecessary shame.

I took a course years ago on the Fundamentals of Addiction with the Canadian Mental Health Association and it taught me a lot about ACES (adverse childhood experiences) and definitely expanded my perspective when it comes to addiction. 

Here are some other examples of common adverse childhood experiences (ACES): divorce or separation, a parent leaving the home, being raised by a single parent, being raised by a single parent under chronic stress, a parent with untreated mental illness, a parent who hasn’t healed their own wounds so they project them onto those around them without knowing, a parent with alcohol or substance abuse issues, a parent with severe anger or emotional dysregulation, emotional/verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional neglect (lack of warmth, presence, attunement), physical neglect (inconsistent care, unmet basic needs), domestic violence, family member incarcerated, chronic financial instability, housing insecurity or frequent moves, taking on an adult role as a child.
Emotional Environment: growing up around constant arguing or tension, a parent who shuts down or emotionally withdraws, a parent who works excessively and is rarely present, being raised by someone who was chronically stressed or overwhelmed, having a sibling with behaviour issues that consumed attention, witnessing a parents depression, burnout or anxiety.
Identity and Worth: being compared to siblings, feeling like “the easy one,” or “the strong one,” or the “difficult child,” being praised only for achievements, not personhood, growing up without consistent validation or encouragement, being told “to be grateful” - invalidating real feelings.
Belonging and Safety: being bullied at school, being the only child who “was different” in some way, chronic loneliness in childhood, growing up in a very small town with limited support.
Family Dynamics: being the peacekeeper, feeling responsible for parents emotions, walking on eggshells around unpredictable adults, being pressured to keep family secrets, a parent who was loving but inconsistent. 

There are relationship wounds that shape belief systems as well:

Connection Wounds: not being soothed when distressed, a parent who dismisses feelings (you’re fine, stop crying), emotional invalidation, conditional love or affection, lack of affection or touch.
Autonomy Wounds: being overly controlled, not allowed to make mistakes, feeling shamed for natural curiosity or independence.
Identity Wounds: being expected to be “the strong one,” being told who you “should” be, growing up in a home where image mattered more than emotions.

Conditions that amplify childhood stress (this is not to say it is anyone's fault, these just create an extra emotional load for the nervous system): ADHD, anxiety disorders, OCD, autism spectrum conditions, learning disabilities, depression (child or parent), highly sensitive temperament, chronic illness, sensory processing challenges, sleep disorders. These conditions can create: increased emotional intensity, chronic overstimulation, feeling “different” or “defective,” coping through avoidance or numbing. 

Big “T” Trauma (again, I might miss some - not intentional, I’m human, yes, it’s me writing this bloggy blog, which is why it takes… weeks): physical abuse, sexual abuse, severe neglect, witnessing domestic violence, a parent attempting suicide (or committing suicide), being abandoned, death of a parent or primary caregiver, major accidents or natural disasters, being placed in foster care, exposure to extreme unpredictability or chaos, severe medical trauma or hospitalizations, living in a home where violence was normalized.

Little “t” Trauma (these the the ones that are often minimized or overlooked but they accumulate and shape identity, emotional regulation and coping strategies): chronic criticism, being frequently yelled at, feeling unseen or overlooked, a parent who is physically present but emotionally absent, being “the responsible one” too early, peer rejection, losing a friendship, academic pressure, divorce that was “amicable” but still destabilizing, being left out socially, sports pressure or perfectionism, being shamed for mistakes, a parent with unpredictable moods, growing up in a “good home” but feeling emotionally disconnected, never hearing apologies from adults, being forced into forgiveness or “getting over it,” chronic instability (moves, job changes, new partners), feeling unsafe expressing emotions, being misunderstood by caregivers. These experiences often lead to: people pleasing, emotional numbing, escaping through substances, hypervigilance, difficulty trusting relationships, shame-based identity, “something is wrong with me” beliefs. These are overlooked but a large majority of the people I work with would fall into one of these categories - or they fall into the next one.

Subtle Experiences That Shape Addiction Pathways (again these are often overlooked - even by professionals): parents who drink “normally,” but it’s the emotional pattern you internalize, growing up in a “fun drinking culture,” watching adults cope with life using alcohol, emotional suppression modeled as normal, not having language for feelings, being rushed to grow up, being told to be “easy,” “quiet,” “helpful,” or “low-maintenance,” feeling different from peers with no explanation, being high-achieving but emotionally unsupported, coming from a “good family” where emotions weren’t discussed. 

You may think: I know so many people who experienced these things and “they turned out just fine” - perhaps they had support and safety from different people. Perhaps their internal environment and response to the trauma or wounds was different. Or is it possible that they don’t struggle with a substance but they have challenges in other areas: food, working, not seeing their value, people pleasing, perfectionism etc. Just because you don’t see the struggle doesn’t mean someone isn’t hurting. And yes, it’s also completely possible that people use their experiences to shape them into who they want to become and they aren’t impacted in the same way. Humans are complex creatures - it’s not one size fits all here folks. 

Trauma is not the event - it is the internal experience. 

I can honestly say I had and have an amazing life and I’m very blessed and grateful. However, there are mannnnnyyyyy things I can check off from the lists above. And truthfully, they weren’t the reason I started drinking - I started drinking because everyone else was. That made me realize that I also wanted acceptance, belonging, to fit in, etc. As a highly sensitive soul with anxiety running through the veins, I didn’t realize alcohol silenced that noise. I also didn’t realize that cocaine gave me the energy + dopamine I don’t normally have. As an HSP, I loved my mom fiercely but seeing her relationship with alcohol broke my heart in many ways… every single day. I don’t blame her for that - I see clearly that she was also just stuck and didn’t know how to get out. She did the best she could with the tools she had. She was in pain too. Eventually… I was afraid to stop using those substances because of the many subconscious beliefs I wasn’t even aware of and after using them as a coping mechanism my brain was looking for that dinner bell every damn day. 

Initially I didn’t expect this blog to be this long, however I wanted to go through and list some often overlooked things that many people don’t stop to consider. And by the way, that isn’t a judgement. I didn’t know a lot of this until I started digging into research and learning and working with hundreds of people over the last 5 years. Basically, we don’t know what we don’t know but we are quick to compare or make judgements from the outside looking in. 

Some people who are struggling have experienced intense trauma, abandonment, etc. It is also true that many people who are struggling with addiction or mental health challenges came from perfectly stable homes - but they  weren’t given the emotional attunement, safety and support they needed to understand themselves and regulate their nervous system. 

By the way - none of this information is to excuse behaviour. It is to explain behaviour and hopefully allow people to create some understanding of their patterns and wounds (or of their loved ones patterns and wounds). This stuff has layers guys… a lot of freakin layers. Which is also why it isn’t an overnight process to unpack. On one of my group coaching calls last week we talked about the fact that we’re all just a bunch of onions with lots of layers! 

When you’re caught in the cycle of addiction or an unhealthy relationship with alcohol (or a substance) - you are not connected to yourself (ask me how I know?!). So many of the things I’ve listed in this blog would most likely be brushed off by someone who is currently stuck in the cycle (btw the cycle doesn’t have to look like black out drinking every single day or night - it can look like 1-2 glasses of wine or beer daily, or binge drinking on the weekends, I could go on and on here). Problem drinking isn’t just rock bottom or daily binge sessions… but people love that idea because it makes them feel like their relationship with alcohol is safe or healthy - which is not always the case. 

I will finish off with some examples of belief wounds that grow from early experiences, and quite often, these beliefs are not necessarily conscious. Yes, some of them are - but often - many are not. You could have asked me if I had these wounds or beliefs and my ego would have said “absolutely not” because I had myself convinced I was sure of who I was (disclaimer guys - I was not) - as it turns out, I could have checked many of these off the list as well. That is exactly why I don’t believe people who are currently stuck in the cycle would see that this blog applies to them.

Trauma may not be the reason someone picks up the drink (or thing) - but often there are wounds or beliefs like these that linger beneath the surface and keep someone stuck in that place they would give anything to get out of.

Worthiness Wounds: I’m not enough, I’m too much, something is wrong with me, I need to earn love, if I’m not performing I don’t matter, I have to be perfect to be accepted, my needs are inconvenient, if I show the real me - people will leave.

Safety Wounds: the world isn’t safe, people aren’t reliable, I can’t trust anyone with how I feel, if I let my guard down I’ll get hurt, I have to stay in control, love is unpredictable, I’m always on my own.

Emotional Expression Wounds: my feelings don’t matter, my emotions make things worse, crying = weakness, it’s safer to numb than to feel, I shouldn’t bother people with my problems, if I’m struggling - I should hide it, people only like me when i’m happy or easy.

Responsibility Wounds: it’s my job to keep everyone okay, I can’t make mistakes, I’m the problem solver - if I break down, everything falls apart, my role is to be the strong one, if someone is upset it’s my fault.

Belonging Wounds:  I don’t fit in, I’m different from everyone else, I’m always the outsider, I don’t have a place where I truly belong, people don’t get me, I have to shape-shift to be accepted.

Love & Attachment Wounds: people leave, love isn’t dependable, if I depend on someone - they’ll disappoint me, people only stay if I give them something, I have to shrink myself to keep the peace, if someone sees the real me - they’ll walk away.

Identity Wounds: I’m the burden, I’m the problem, I’m the difficult one, I’m the peacekeeper, I’m the screwup, I’m the helper - I don’t get to need anything, my role is to stay small. 

Autonomy Wounds: I can’t trust my own judgement, my wants aren’t important, I don’t get to choose my path, if I say no - someone will get hurt, I need permission to make my own decisions.

Coping & Resilience Wounds: feeling = danger, rest is lazy, if I slow down - everything will fall apart, numbing is the only option, change isn’t possible for me, I’m always one mistake away from losing everything. 

Shame Based Wounds: I am the disappointment, I ruin things, I’m hard to love, I’m responsible for everyone’s happiness, my needs are a burden, my story isn’t valid because someone had it worse, I should be able to handle everything on my own.

Core belief wounds specific to alcohol (cocaine) or coping: I need something outside myself to feel okay, I can’t handle my emotions, I’m only fun when I’m drinking, everyone else can drink normally - something is wrong with me, life is boring without alcohol, I don’t know who I am without drinking, alcohol helps me connect; otherwise I’m awkward, I won’t be chosen if I’m sober, if I stop drinking - I’ll lose people.

Alcohol (cocaine, etc) often becomes the “solution” to soothe a dysregulated nervous system - who knew?! When the relationship with the substance starts to ‘get out of control’ or feel scary to someone - there is soooo much shame because so many people “can take it or leave it” - so “what the hell is wrong with me?” The short answer - absolutely nothing. You’ve just been using the wrong tool. 

I wanted to write this blog to invite an extension into our perspectives/understanding when it comes to mental health struggles and substance abuse issues. I’m no psychologist, but I’m someone with a lot of lived experience and also a ton of interaction with hundreds (possibly thousands at this point) of people who have been affected by many of these wounds.  At the end of the day - we only see a teeny tiny sliver into someone else’s experience - and yet we are quick to judge or draw our own conclusions of “how we would do things” based on the 5% we know about someone. Heck, sometimes the judgements or assessments (assumptions) aren’t even based on the person but on their family or upbringing etc… and again, we probably only actually know 5% or less. I’m throwing out a small number with ZERO information to back it up (this is not a scientific stat, therefore it’s open to interpretation). Essentially to me, it’s like looking at a photograph and summarizing it as if we know the whole story, event or experience, when we’ve really only caught a glimpse or snippet. We don’t know what we don’t know. That is the same for the person who is struggling: they don’t know what they don’t know, so much is not conscious to them. 

I am blessed to coach in a space where members feel safe enough to share their wounds - and it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever witnessed.

What would happen if we invited safety, vulnerability, emotional regulation and other practices into our daily lives so people could show up authentically without fear of judgement? What a game changer that would be. 

The more information that people have about their patterns and wounds - it can open up space for understanding and even self compassion. From that new awareness, change can take place, healing can take place. 

I am grateful every single day for the lessons that brought me to this place.

There is always hope for healing.